The Crowning
by H.R.E.R
Summary: That iconic hat, adorned with shiny silver bells, is a symbol of mischief, wit and victory.


**THE CROWNING**

 _How_ dare they? Smelly, ugly, treacherous bastards. All of them.

I need a bigger cannon. I should put toads inside the armours, everyone hates their croaking noises. And break the Houses point hourglasses! The gems inside will be perfect projectiles… for the new canon.

"Pay attention, Peeves. I'm asking you to reconsider. We don't support Rancorous's actions." And why should I pretend that you, old-dreadful witch, weren't behind all this? "But you have to understand, as the caretaker of Hogwarts, he is responsible for the order of the castle, and your ill-disciplined nature called for extreme measures."

They tried to expel me from the castle. _ME_! I have been here since the beginning, long before any of these people even came into existence. Not even Salazar tried to remove me. Yes, he threatened and screamed, but he was a smart man, not like these whiny brainless people.

 _BANG_

That must be a student. The corridors can be very slippery when you put butter all over them.

"This has gone too far. This chaos must end now! The infirmary is full, students are afraid of leaving their dormitories and the castle is in dire need of serious renovations."

If it weren't because the _bloody_ Bloody Baron brought me to this office, I wouldn't even be here. I would be throwing more wands into the Black Lake. Unfortunately, they float.

"If you don't stop with this immediately, I'll report you to the Ministry. They will surely know what to do, and whether they give this case to the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures or even the Department of Mysteries it will not be my problem."

Call the Ministry? Don't make me laugh. Their chances of taking me out are nonexistent. Oh, but she knows it. And she knows I know… Look at that face. Frowny and greasy, Petulant Moley has lost control. I call this victory.

"I set the terms."

"Go on."

"I want a contract. Your spoken words have as much value as Malfreds's potions." Twitch in the eyes. Nice.

"As long as you to promise to stop with this havoc, return all the weaponry you possess, and never again put the students or working members in mortal danger." Blah, blah, blah.

"Firstly, no further attempts to get rid of me. Secondly, you can't fire Carpe –"

"I must say I'm surprised, Peeves. I was under the impression his dismissal would be your first requirement."

"And miss all the _fun_ we can have together? Never. Thirdly, privileges. I deserve them. I have a couple in mind: I get to swim in the boys' toilets on the ground floor, at least one every week. I also want the first refusal on stale bread from the kitchen, for recreational purposes. I get to keep the lost and found objects –"

"No. You are the one who makes students lose them in the first place."

 _Interrupt me one more time and the next ink bottle will be aimed at you._ You give, you take.

"I will be assigned as Gryffindor's resident ghost… well, poltergeist."

"Sir Nicholas won't be replaced."

" _Nearly_ -Headless Nick, you mean."

"Don't call him that, you know how sensitive he is about that half an inch of skin."

"I want the broken crystal balls."

"Fine, but that's it. You can leave the office now. I'll make the contract and bring it to you when it's finished."

The best part is missing. I'm not leaving without my trophy. A crown fit for a king.

"And a hat. Of the finest quality. I want the best. It has to be French, you people don't know about style."

"Alright, Peeves. I know the perfect hat-maker for the occasion. I will personally contact Madame Bonhabille and order your hat today."

In the end, I always get what I want.

Did they really think I was removable?

Foolish, imbecile, entertaining bastards. All of them.

"It has to have bells."

* * *

-C'est fini-

THANKS FOR READING!

Written for The Houses Competition

House: Gryffindor- Year: 3- Category: Drabble _Must be written in 1st person_ \- Prompt [Character] Peeves-Word count: 665


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